Darkness before the Dawn

This morning I could not sleep so I awoke and made a cup of coffee. I drank it out on the front porch in silence, still dark out. It was only 4 am, so the good part of the world was still asleep. The birds were singing and it was peaceful. It centered me, bringing me the balance that I needed after waking up thinking of David. (the ex bf) I could feel the presence of mother earth, and felt her hug me, trying to offer me comfort and ease my pain.

After my coffee, I came inside and lit a candle, and drew two tarot cards. One to tell me what I should embrace today, and one to tell me what I needed to let go of.

The card that I drew telling me what I need to let go of was the Guardian of Action. I knew straight away that this was David, because it even looks similar to him! Waking to his memory this morning made me question why now? After four plus years, why do I suddenly wake to such paralyzing memories? Why now after all this time? Why does he still have this hold over me? The ability to continue hurting me even when he has long since been out of the picture?

The Guardian of Action enjoys the spotlight, just as David had. I was made to put on a happy face, get thin and be arm candy for him. I was only there to accommodate his desires, to be seen and not heard from like a child. I find it most difficult  because even though I was a shell of a person, I was thin and beautiful. It is hard for me to let go of HER (who I was when I was with him). Even though inside I was dying, on the outside I was everything that I aspire to be now.

Even though I am more me now than I have ever been before, my outsides do not match what is inside, and I want it to so badly. I lack luster now. My guides are correct on so many levels here. I can not move forward until I can let go of all things 'David.' Even the person I was back then.

The card drawn to show me what I should be embracing is the 10 of Action. At first it confused me, but then after some quiet meditation, I realized that it was telling me to look at how far I have come without him! I have successfully raised my two daughters (they are not his children) alone with little help from anyone. I get child support from their father, and I am very grateful for that. But the rest has been all me. They are charming young girls, with a bright future ahead of them, and even if I don't usually give myself credit, credit is due.  

The card says on it, "Straining to make others happy can be harmful to your health." This jumped out to me, reminding me that my goals are made with the best of intentions, but until I learn to let go of my past, I can not be as healthy, thin, and beautiful as I wish to be. I have to do it for me, and not anyone else. In my mind, the majority of the time, I want to get thin so that I can satisfy the old records in my head of him telling me that I am fat, and that I need to lose weight. But if I learn to quiet those thoughts, and replace them with new ones, than perhaps I can learn to love the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Perhaps, I can accept her the way that she already is. Do it because I want to, and not because I feel someone else expects me to.

There will be darkness before the dawn. When I close my eyes, and listen to my spirit guides, they tell me six little words, "this is stress related, let go." And who better understands me than they do?

Blessed Be.