Darkness before the Dawn

This morning I could not sleep so I awoke and made a cup of coffee. I drank it out on the front porch in silence, still dark out. It was only 4 am, so the good part of the world was still asleep. The birds were singing and it was peaceful. It centered me, bringing me the balance that I needed after waking up thinking of David. (the ex bf) I could feel the presence of mother earth, and felt her hug me, trying to offer me comfort and ease my pain.

After my coffee, I came inside and lit a candle, and drew two tarot cards. One to tell me what I should embrace today, and one to tell me what I needed to let go of.

The card that I drew telling me what I need to let go of was the Guardian of Action. I knew straight away that this was David, because it even looks similar to him! Waking to his memory this morning made me question why now? After four plus years, why do I suddenly wake to such paralyzing memories? Why now after all this time? Why does he still have this hold over me? The ability to continue hurting me even when he has long since been out of the picture?

The Guardian of Action enjoys the spotlight, just as David had. I was made to put on a happy face, get thin and be arm candy for him. I was only there to accommodate his desires, to be seen and not heard from like a child. I find it most difficult  because even though I was a shell of a person, I was thin and beautiful. It is hard for me to let go of HER (who I was when I was with him). Even though inside I was dying, on the outside I was everything that I aspire to be now.

Even though I am more me now than I have ever been before, my outsides do not match what is inside, and I want it to so badly. I lack luster now. My guides are correct on so many levels here. I can not move forward until I can let go of all things 'David.' Even the person I was back then.

The card drawn to show me what I should be embracing is the 10 of Action. At first it confused me, but then after some quiet meditation, I realized that it was telling me to look at how far I have come without him! I have successfully raised my two daughters (they are not his children) alone with little help from anyone. I get child support from their father, and I am very grateful for that. But the rest has been all me. They are charming young girls, with a bright future ahead of them, and even if I don't usually give myself credit, credit is due.  

The card says on it, "Straining to make others happy can be harmful to your health." This jumped out to me, reminding me that my goals are made with the best of intentions, but until I learn to let go of my past, I can not be as healthy, thin, and beautiful as I wish to be. I have to do it for me, and not anyone else. In my mind, the majority of the time, I want to get thin so that I can satisfy the old records in my head of him telling me that I am fat, and that I need to lose weight. But if I learn to quiet those thoughts, and replace them with new ones, than perhaps I can learn to love the woman staring back at me in the mirror. Perhaps, I can accept her the way that she already is. Do it because I want to, and not because I feel someone else expects me to.

There will be darkness before the dawn. When I close my eyes, and listen to my spirit guides, they tell me six little words, "this is stress related, let go." And who better understands me than they do?

Blessed Be.

Heigh ho off to the post office I go ...

Today's cards are pretty straight forward.

Using my Housewives Tarot:

1. 9 of cups - what I need to embrace today. The nine of cups is about happiness and comfort. After making difficult decisions with the 7, and the stagnation of the 8, the 9 starts to balance things out again. Today is my day off from work. So for me it is about working all week, putting everything into my work week, and then having my day off. I will be embracing the comfort of my own home today, and enjoying something more creative and much needed. This card makes me think of a bottle of wine! Perhaps it is time to give a gift to myself? :D A new Tarot deck?!!

2. 9 of pentacles - what I need to let go of today. The nine of pentacles is about independence, luxury and being self-sufficient. The shadow side of this card talks about over investment and financial setbacks. There is a new Tarot deck that I have been dying to have, and it has weighed heavily on my mind the last couple of days. To me, the presence of the 9 of pentacles reminds me that if I spend this money, I will have a financial setback, so it is probably best that I wait. How strange that the 9 of cups wants to give it to me, but the 9 of pentacles says, "not right now." She is such a meanie. (LOL)

On to Lenormand ....

I have committed myself (ring) to sending out a package (letter) successfully today (sun). To top it off, it is a Tarot deck. (LOL) Someone else will be getting a new deck, but it won't be me. As I quickly wipe away a tear, and chug some coffee, I prepare myself for the day ahead. That bottle of wine is sounding really good right now. It must be noon somewhere?!

So, Heigh Ho, off to the post office I go. Have a wonderful day.

Blessed Be.

** update **

I got my package successfully sent out today. And  I was feeling the pull to spend that money for a nice new deck, but I was able to suppress it. For a little while, anyway. ha.

Baby it's cold outside ....

I decided to get back into posting my daily draws so that I will hold myself accountable to continue using my many Tarot cards. I have submersed myself into learning Lenormand for a few years now, but while doing that, my Tarot reading has taken a back seat. My pretty card collection isn't being used, and that is really sad.

The cards I chose to use today are from the Housewives Tarot.  I drew two Tarot cards:

1. To represent what I need to embrace today - Chariot.
2. To represent what I need to let go of today - 10 of cups.

The Lenormand cards are : Scythe + Snake + Bear representing what I can expect out of my day today.

Immediately, I was able to relate to the Lenormand cards. I find it really ironic sometimes that three little cards often times tell me about a couple of different things that occur during my daily activity. First and foremost, my TV is currently on TLC and airing a show about a woman who is getting weight loss surgery. (Scythe+Bear) When she gets weight loss surgery, she becomes a more curvaceous, seductive, attractive woman. (Snake).

But setting that aside, I will attempt to predict what I think the cards will mean for me today.

I see that a woman's decision (scythe + bear) although complicated (snake) will become final (scythe). Or that a woman (snake) will have to make a financial decision. (scythe+bear). Since the scythe comes before the snake, it can serve as a reminder to beware of a woman.

I happen to know that today is bill paying day, so it can also be possible that it will show me giving away a big chunk of my money today. Also, currently I take walks each day to try to lose some weight, so maybe today my walk gets canceled, after all, it is raining out. :)

Chariot - In the little book that accompanies my cards, it says, "that a woman can't run errands by sitting on her sofa," and urges her to gas up the station wagon, and hit the road. Some decisions will be made while out and about, and adding a little adventurous route on the way home might be a little fun.  It says, "nothing ventured, nothing gained!" 

So the Chariot, in the form of a station wagon, tells me that I should try and find fun where fun isn't today. Since my walk may be canceled due to the rain, maybe I can do something crafty instead. Or find an indoor exercise to do? (probably won't - ha ha ha). I know myself too well.

10 of Cups - In the little book, it says, "a jubilant housewife proudly displays her collection of drinking glasses." and "if life hands you lemons, mix up a Tom Collins!" Housewives are masters of their trade. They have a recipe for everything, and they often times keep their bar fully stocked. In my case, my refrigerator! lol

So the 10 of cups, tells me that I should let go of the urge to overeat today since I may not be able to go on my walk and burn off extra calories. How literal cards can be. I love them. They give me fresh perspective every time I use them.

Enjoy your day.
Blessed Be.

** update **

Scythe + Snake + Bear was actually the theme of my day.

My daughter came home from school, and was anxious to tell me about her dream the night before. She said she woke with a "Lizzie Bordon" song in her head. (LOL) We both had a laugh there.

Then when I went to bed, I fell asleep to another show about a woman with weight loss surgery.

Oh, and I did have the last say about something today. It was a difficult decision, and it was about money management.

I didn't go for my walk today because the weather wasn't cooperating. So I was able to relax for the most part, until work anyway. Overeating was a tough one! Especially at night.